Top 5 Swayze Roles

•September 15, 2009 • 2 Comments
Pain don't hurt!

Pain don't hurt!

Remember when rappers in the late 80’s used to say “I’m Swayze”? It was supposed to mean “I’m out”, because patrick Swayze’s career was supposed to be out of time….yet Swayze persevered for another 20 some years, both in Hollywood and life….until now. Here’s my Top 5 list of Swayze classics….R.I.P, I’m Swayze.

1. Dalton (Road House)
“Be nice until it’s time not to be nice”. “Pain don’t hurt”. Two of the best lines ever uttered by any character in any movie! Now let’s be honest, Road House is a cheesy action flick, but we love it anyways. We’re talking about a Zen spouting Tai Chi practicing ass kicking machine. Imagine a Pacifist that pull your heart out with his bear hand when pushed too far! Add Sam Elliot as the coolest limping ass Sensei, and Ben Gazzara as a small town gangster, and you have a classic cheese fest!

2. Jed (Red Dawn)

Wolverines!!!!! Let’s be honest, if you were a 70’s baby stuck in your boring History class in 1984, and Russia decides to team up with Cuba to invade Colorado (I know it sounds ridiculous but humor me), who else would you want to lead the insurgency other than your big bro Jed? In no time he transforms from a pickup driving redneck to a skilled commando that can plan war parties and outflank Generals at a drop of a dime. Just don’t forget that he WILL make you pee in the radiator if you’re low on Coolant, and you’ll be drinking deer blood to make your nuts drop!

3. Bodhi (Point Break)

Ok, so if Dalton gave up on being a Cooler and moved to So Cal, he would naturally take up surfing and start robbing banks to supplement his income. And bleach his hair blond. An almost perfect movie if it wasn’t ruined by Keanu Reeve’s cadaver, Point Break tells the story of….ah who freakin cares? This isn’t exactly Citizen Kane. Swayze surfs, Swayze waxes poetic, Swayze whoops ass, Swayze jumps off planes. Done.

4. Darry (the Outsiders)

Though his role wasn’t big, he still was the big brother type of leader for this band of greasers. This movie had a huge number of future stars featured, and inspired a whole generation of white boys to wear leather and carry a switchblade. Of course compared to today’s class of gangbangers, they look a little silly….but we still love Swayze for greasing us with his presence. Pun intended.

5. Chippendales dancer (SNL)

Ok, this is not exactly a movie appearance, but classic anyways. One of the funniest SNL clips ever, and best performance by Chris Farley….Sad that they are both dead now….

Top 5 Jheri Curls

•August 20, 2009 • 23 Comments

Let’s do this one for Jheri Curl Juice Junior!!

Everyone that ever had a curl is eligible, real or fictional…

GANGSTA CURL
Ice Cube-Circa Dough Boy Era

The combination of the scowl….the 40….and the drip. What can I say, this man made me change from Old English to St. Ides….that’s how gangsta his Curl was (and how stupid I was!)

Are we dead yet?

Are we dead yet?

BAD MUTHAFUCKA CURL
Samuel Jackson- Circa Jules and Vincent Era
Though it was technically a wet Afro, we say if it looks like a Curl, it walks like a Curl, and drips like a Curl, then it’s a Curl. Say what again, muthafuckka!

I'm tired of muthafucking Drips on my muthafuckking Curl!

SOUL GLOW CURL
Eriq La Salle- Circa 1989
So what do you do if your career peak was sweating your wig on your father in law’s couch? It’s a long way down from this classic role, E.R included…everyone together now, “let your Soooooooooooul gloooooooooow”…

I'm not only a client, I'm the playa president

I'm not only a client, I'm the playa president

CY YOUNG CURL
Pedro Martinez- Circa Dodgers/Red Sox/Mets

Though Pedro had a killer fastball, his killer move was the Curl. His curl had movement. his Curl could drop at the plate, his Curl had heat. He had the only self activated curl, he started the game with a Fro, and by the 4th inning it was in full Curl mode. Hall of Fame career.

I lift your curse with my activator.

I lift your curse with my activator.

G.O.A.T CURL
Mike Jax- Circa Thriller/World Domination

Face it, everyone on the list is just here to make it seem like there is competition, but the trophy belongs to young Mike. Case closed. Most of us might have seen his Curl turn into Teri Hatcher’s wig, but we shall never forget the glory of the Curl during it’s peak. Thriller. Billie Jean. Beat It….none of them would be possible without the G.O.A.T Curl.

No ball shall ever touch the Curl

No ball shall ever touch the Curl

So what’s your Top 5?

Top 5 Mister Softies

•August 12, 2009 • 15 Comments

Quick list kids:

Name your Top 5 softest NFL players.

Rules: You can go back as far as you want, but they have to be certified softies. Softies can be defines by being physically and emotionally unable to perform at a high level in the League. Being mentally retarded or morally bankrupt is a plus! You can’t use someone that gets hurt a lot if they are true warriors and still played hurt (Air McNair and Mike Westbrook). Extra points if you make me laugh…Double extra points if you name USC players.

Let’s go!!!!!

BRIAN BOSWORTH.

Did anybody fall faster than the Boz? How do you go from being #30 in the all time NCAA top 100 and a record contract at the time for a Rookie ($11 Mil…times have changed huh? I think Reggie Bush got that much while playing at SC!)… How do you go from this to this in a few years?

2 answers: Cut down on the Steroids……and one Mr. Vincent Edward Jackson….you might know him as Bo.
The Boz thought it was a good idea to insult Bo before the game, but Karma is a bitch that strikes swiftly, with Bo handing him sweet payback . His career never recovered from it, though he had a nice run as a B movie star…

MATT LEINART

Let’s get this straight, you get to go to a Professional Football factory, get teamed up with the best NFL ready talent (Alumni) money can buy, get coached by the Genius, win a National title and a Heisman, (ok he suffered a loss in the Vince Young Bowl, but that was once in a lifetime), and get drafted top ten to a team with 2 future Hall of Fame receivers, and the best you can do is this while looking like this? You then proceed to lose your starting job, and hand the keys to the whip to Warner…nice job!

By the way, you get additional D-Bag points for breaking up with your baby moms right before she gives birth. (News break: Lionheart (tee hee) is in trouble with the Cards for spending the whole summer training for MMA….too little too late.

RYAN LEAF

Ok, it’s not nice to make fun of drug addictions, but dammit, before the creezack he was already funny as hell….I guess it was easier to punk reporters and yelling at your GM than completing a pass against real players…but don’t let me tell you, here’s the prosecution’s case:

Oh you like numbers? How about 14 TD’s, 36 INT’s and 50% QB rating…

EPIC…..FAIL
.

TONY MANDARICH

I’ll keep it short, Tony shot himself full of “crazy juice” just in time for the 89 NFL draft, and here is your brain on drugs, kids:
1. Troy Aikman (Hall of Fame)
2. Tony Mandarich (not Hall of Fame)
3. Barry Sanders (Hall of Fame)
4. Derrick Thomas (Hall of Fame)
5. Dion Sanders (Hall of Fame)

I guess Sports Illustrated could only apologize to the Packers for hyping old Tony by giving him his second (and last) cover

TERRELL OWENS

Here’s the thing….T.O. is the only dude on my list that can really play…can’t take that away from him…but come on man, he makes it so easy to (hate) not like him.

Let’s see if I have this right…you call Garcia gay, run over the Dallas Star, spurn the Ravens for the Eagles, then mock them, then call McNabb a quitter, get another chance in Dallas, make friends with Romo, cry because everyone is a meanie to him, then get mad that he plays patty cake with Witten, attempt (half ass) suicide, then unleash your Publicist and Agent on the media, and finally land in Buffalo with a REALITY show….fuck me, I’m exhausted.

But there is justice in the Football Universe, so T.O. doesn’t have a ring to floss in our faces…and Hitler is pissed that he landed in Buffalo!

So there you have it kids, who’s your Top 5 Dead or Alive Mister Softies?

Top 5 One Hitter Quitters

•August 7, 2009 • 21 Comments

OK, here are the rules: The artist had to have a certified smash, the follow ups had to be mostly trash. And you can’t bring up legends like Kane and G. Rap because they still put out classic material in their heyday. And we’re not going to use Tone Loc and Young MC, I’m talking about certified street bangers. Most of today’s rappers don’t qualify because they still make You Tube and direct to I Tunes albums, and silly beefs….I’m talking about putting the industry on smash, and then straight disappearing. So if your favorite rapper didn’t make this list, it’s probably because they still have a chance of making it.

So here it is, Top 5 One Hitter Quitters:

Nine

The Smash: Whutcha want?

One of 94’s biggest hits, With his gravely voice, the blessing of Funk Flex and all of the Bronx behind him, Nine was ready to take over the game. The sample smoothed out the rough drums and the hook was just the right kind of chant friendly to be shouted out and clubs and house parties…the video was nice accompanying piece, dude looked like his voice sounded, and came complete with Timbs AND a Jeep…classic!

The Trash

The follow ups were ok, the “6 Million ways to die” freestyle off Funk Flex’s album actually came out before “Whutcha want”, and he had some ok joints after that, “Redrum” being one that stood out for me. Too bad, I liked dude’s style. I heard his 15 year old son is trying to rap now…guess I’m getting old!

Apache

The Smash: Gangsta Bitch

The year was 1991, Naughty by Nature rules the charts, Kay Gee’s soulful tunes seem to play out of every Jeep, and New Jersey was putting it’s stamp on the face of Hip Hop. Apache fit the profile of your typical Dirty Jerz cat: braids, hoodies, Carharts, and those extra long Timbs. And the chicks wore the same ish too! The songs had a tight sample and rocking horns…and the video was a scene by scene representation of the lyrics. Still gets love at hood parties, almost 20 years later!

The Trash

No idea….he came out with the album “Apache ain’t shit”, which I didn’t cop, which is odd because in the early 90’s I copped EVERY album that came out. I think he had one called “Do fa Self “…what happened to you Apache? Someone fill me in!

Akinyele

The Smash: Put it on your mouth

The original ode to oral sex, this song was wrong in every possible way…yet had a way of setting the house parties off! Was it the sweet guitar hook? The chorus sang by the smooth voiced chick? Or Ak’s crazy gravely delivery? On second thought, did females enjoy that song more than the fellas? it’s possible….sad thing though, no video. Damn shame we didn’t have Uncut back in the day, so we could have gotten a cheapie soft porn video for the single! (sidenote: India Arie did a great job of flipping the beat and making it a female empowerment anthem!)

The Trash:

The rest of his career…..my man Ak tried to keep the theme going, I think every song after that was a variation of cheap sex songs, here’s a few song titles: “take a lick”, “strippers call”, “take a hop on that pole”, and that’s not counting the album titles: “Vagina dinner”, “Aktapuss” and…..surprise: “Put it in your mouth”….I heard his stage shows lately have featured real pornstars doing improv (hoeing) on stage. Way to stick with the theme Ak!

Volume 10

The Smash: Pistol Grip Pump

This song had the West Coast on lock down in 94, every mix tape made in Cali seemed to feature this joint. It was one of those songs that you had to play over and over again, if you had the cassette single you just kept flipping it over and over (yes kids, there was a form of music device called cassette tapes…I see your brain starting to smoke, don’t stress it!). Rage Against the Machine Great made a killer cover years later too. Great debut album by the way, I wore it out back in the day, I need to find another copy soon!

The trash:

Even though my man was a talented MC, he never made it far….I don’t think he was marketable, even in the early 90’s when it was easier to be an MC. Most folks don’t know he was part of the legendary Freestyle Fellowship, LA’s underground MC Collective that use to run the battle scene out in SoCal. He is featured in the documentary about the crew, called “This is the life”, currently airing on Showtime.

The D.O.C

The Smash: Funky Enough

(why are all the versions screwed and chopped or with no audio? smh!)

One of the most tragic examples of wasted talent, as Sonny said in Bronx Tale, the worst thing in the world is wasted talent…Originally a member of the Fila Fresh Crew (don’t you just love the names from back in the day?) The D.O.C joined the super crew NWA right when they were exploding on the scene, and took over writing duties for the crew side by side with Ice Cube….he did his thing on Eazy and NWA albums, and then proceeded to drop a classic with this joint. A killer Dr Dre track, a great video, and supreme skills on the mic, and he was on the top of the world. The album “No one can do it better” was a perfect storm, every song was a perfect blend of his lyrics and Dre’s beats…and the Grand Finale….goosebumps! Even the cover art is a classic. That album stayed in the Sentra for 3 years (yes kids, back then you had a choice of only 10 CD’s at a time).

The Trash:

Everything after. Tracy Curry had a horrific crash that damaged his vocal cords. Though his personal career never made a recovery, he did ghostwrite most of the Chronic for Dre, and contribute to Death Row’s rule in the 90’s. Unfortunately he put out product that was below average, mostly due to his newly acquired scratchy voice that took away from his lyrical fury. Sad.

Honorable Mention: O.C, Time’s Up

Never that: Joe Budden.

TOP 5 FLICKS YOU PROBABLY HAVEN’T HEARD OF

•July 28, 2009 • 15 Comments

I’ll keep it short and sweet. Everybody thinks they’re a movie buff, but only a special few go above and beyond the shelves of Blockbusters to find hidden gems. This is dedicated to the few, the proud, the film geek!

1. Action movie- La Femme Nikita

Does this dress make my ass look fat or is the Heater?

Does this dress make my ass look fat or is the Heater?

Though “Die Hard” was the originator of the “Euro trash gangsters in Armani suits” genre, La Femme perfected it. It’s directed by Luc Besson, you know, the cat that gave you “The professional” and “The Fifth Element”. It’s your typical “girl meets Crack, Girl kills Clerk, Girl gets Death Sentence, Secret Government Hit Squad Boss gives Girl second chance, Girl trains to become Secret Government Hit Squad Hit Woman, Girl rebels against Secret Government Hit Squad Boss, Secret Government Hit Squad Boss shoots Girl in the knee cap…” and that’s just the first 20 minutes of the movie!

Hip Factor: this movie gave Jean Reno his shot at stardom, and he knocked it out of the park. His supporting role as “the Cleaner” was so gully that he ended up reprising the role in his first staring role in Besson’s next masterpiece, “the Professional” as Leon.

The title character was played by Anne Parillaud, a French actress that never caught on in Hollywood (though she did star in the cult classic “Innocent Blood” as a Vampire taking out the New York Mafia). But this is her Tour de Force (you like the French double entendre? Oops I did it again!). She is a vision in her little black dress and Eff me Pumps while dumping a Desert Eagle on the croissant eating gangsters!

This flick also inspired a shitty shot by shot remake (with Bridget Fonda as Nikita and Harvey Keitel as the Cleaner), and a TV series that deserves no mention.

2. Hood Drama- Once Were Warriors

Whatchu looking at knucca? oh my face...my baaaaad!

Whatchu looking at knucca? oh my face...my baaaaad!

Most of you muthasukkas probably think a Hood drama has to be American unless we’re talking about City of God, but I will do you one better. Do yourself a favor go cop this underappreciated gem. It might surprise you that it takes place in New Zealand, and that the Boyz N Da Hood are actually Maori. If you don’t know what a Maori is, think Samoan, but with more tats and instead of blunts imagine 40’s in their hands. The Maoris were systematically subjugated by the white government, and they’ve fallen into the familiar routines of welfare, abuse, and gangs. This movie tell the tale of Jake “The Muss”, a lovable loser that alternates between loving and terrorizing his family, all the while smashing skulls at his local watering hole. His kids all face the typical inner city choices, and each one handles it their own way. You are guaranteed to be both entertained and heart broken by this classic, it has been a personal favorite of mine since it’s original release.

Hip Factor: Though hardly any actors cross over to Hollywood, the actor portraying Jake the Muss, Temuera Morrison garnered enough attention that George Lucas cast him to play the Original Gangsta, Jango Fett (Bobba’s daddy) in the Star Wars Prequels. His other son in the movie ended up being the soldier cloned to become all the Storm Troopers. Also Cliff Curtis, as “Uncle Bully” found his way to classics like “Training Day” (he was the Mexican Mafia dude Smiley who almost capped the rookie in his crib), and Nig Heke was one of the freedom fighters in the Matrix. Not bad for a bunch of Kiwis!

3. Mafia flick- Gommora

This is what WE call Superman that Hoe!

This is what WE call Superman that Hoe!

Ok, so you’ve seen Mean Streets/Godfather/Goodfellas/Casino/Carlito/Donnie Brasco/Sporanos. You think you have it all figured out because you can name the Gambino’s current and past hierarchy, and can tell a cannelloni from tiramisu. But I bet you haven’t heard of Gommora, based on the best selling book by Roberto Saviano, who is now hiding for his life since the publication. What most people don’t know, is that the Camorra, a criminal group based out of Naples, runs all of Italy and most of Europe and only leaves the crumbs for the Cosa Nostra, Russians, and other ethnic groups. They do this through sheer terror and an unmatched ruthlessness when it comes to murder. Only recently have the Mexican cartels come close to what these cats have been doing for years! This movie shows every level of their operation, sort of like Traffic and Syriana have done with other types of criminals. You see bosses, captains, soldiers, runners, accountants, factories, waste management, even fashion. You’d be surprised to know most of the big Italian brands (you probably got some of their bootleg joints on right now!) get their clothes made by Camorra backed factories

Hip factor: This movie is part Goodfellas, part City of God, part Traffic, part Scarface, and part New Jack City. The younger thugs dress in sweat suits and rock big bling pieces, and run the housing projects they live in as giant dope houses, putting the Carter to shame!

4. Documentary- Slingshot Hip Hop

Afterparty: We get fondled by the IDF!

Afterparty: We get fondled by the IDF!

As far as docs go, this is about as good as it gets. We meet different Hip Hop crews in the occupied territories (notice I didn’t call it Israel) that are struggling to get their music out to the people, or even perform live in front of an audience. One of the more famous crew called DAM started as American Gangsta rap fans, and their early songs emulated the guns/drugs/hoes talk they had learned. But as the grip of Israel tightened on all Arabs, they started morphing into a political active movement, and their music started improving. They are also mentors to up coming conscious rappers like PR (Palestinian Rappers), Mahmoud Shalabi, and female artists Arapeyat and Sabreena Da Witch (Abeer). Guaranteed to put a lump in your throat and make you APPRECIATE where you live, this is truly and uplifting and thought provoking movie. You will see life under Israeli rule like you have never had the Western Media show you.

Hip Factor: The guys are huge Hip Hop fans, and when they show off their CD selection, you won’t be able to stop cheesing as you compare your library to theirs. Also having one of the crews meet Chuck D on his radio show and get his cosign is priceless!

5. Martial Arts- Street Fighter

Call me Bruce one more 'gain...one more 'gain!!!!

Call me Bruce one more 'gain...one more 'gain!!!!

Japan’s answer to Bruce Lee (not Leroy), Sonny Chiba Takima (Terry in US versions) Tsurugi, simply the coldest cat to ever rock some pajamas…While Bruce lee only avenged his fam and the poor Chinese, the Street Fighter put is foot down anybody’s ass that crossed his path. This is the dude that castrates a rapist/pimp only to put the rescued chick to work on the track (or that’s how I remember it anyways)… I won’t bore with the storyline, since this is really meant to be an instructional movie for ass kicking seminars! Our boy demolishes his opponents with brutal tactics, including and X-Ray movie of some dude getting his skull penetrated…pimp down! There were also 2 sequels, “Return” and “Sister” of Street Fighter, pretty much the same amount of mayhem!

Hip Factor: The Street Fighter was the first film to receive an X rating solely for violence. Quentin Tarantino is the biggest Chiba Stan, in True Romance (written by Q), the lead character meet at a Street Fighter Festival, and later on used Sonny Chiba as the master sword maker in Kill Bill….yep that dude. Plus some of your favorite 90’s rappers dropped Sonny Chiba references, but most of you prolly though he was talking about blunts!

Honorable mention: Man Bites Dog.

Serial Killer gets followed by a camera crew in this fake documentary. Fun facts: Black and white movies in Belgium while deranged white man goes around town killing immigrants and homosexuals and women are just so fun…not! Ok, this is pretty depressing stuff, but it WAS groundbreaking, and the ending is so worth the wait!

Never That: Ghost Dog.

Nope, though one of my fave Jarmusch films, Ghost Dog doesn’t qualify, because at this point it’s become a favorite of every Wu head/Thugster/Zen master/Hipster. Nice try…..

Now it’s up to you fam, gimme your Top 5 list of flicks we probably never head of, and see if you have enough to defeat the master…..

Hello world!

•July 21, 2009 • 16 Comments

Welcome, players, pimps, hipsters, rappers, skaters, rockers, goths, soldiers, workers, bosses, rednecks, foreigners, of all race, sex, ages….

This is my first foray into blogging outside of My Space/Facebook (I call them MY FACE.), and I figured I keep it light and fun. Those that know me personally know I’ve seen and done just about everything negative this world has to offer, and that I try to keep my head by laughing about it.

Since everybody loves lists, the format will be exactly that. A Top 5 List of things that run my mind, and we’ll try to make it as random as possible.

Since I’m a foreign/urban dweller/hip hop head/sports junkie/cinema buff/pop culture hound/jackass, most of the subjects will stay pretty close to those categories.

Now here comes the fun part, I own an up and coming T-Shirt line (I refuse to call it Clothing Company until I make something more than Tees). In order to boost business (and morale) We’ll add a fun contest to the proceedings. Anytime you the readers post a comment with a Top 5 List in response to the same subject, you will automatically be entered into a weekly contest.

The winner? A free T-Shirt from my line ($TKY PPR$) or my partnership line (SARBAZ). Free…no tax, no shipping, no handling. Yep, I said it.

I figure I’m killing two birds at once, Getting you muthasukkas involved, and promoting the brand. Trust me when you get your free shirt, you’re going to be on the website ordering some more…

Now the voting is solely done by me, and since I’m a corrupt muthasukka, I will accept bribes of all kind. The smartest way to go about it is by making sure your Top 5 List refers to random words or sentences I use…Yep, I’m conceded like that.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this experiment, my lists will always include a “Top 5”, 1 “Honorable Mention”, and 1 “Never That”. Of course pics and videos will be posted on most blogs. Also enjoy my links, I read and Co-sign everyone of them like they were my own.

So there you have, do what you have to do…bookmark, open, read, comment, collect. Sounds simple right? Who knows, maybe one day this humble little Blog willbe TOP 5 DEAD OR ALIVE….

What you got on my lunch Ben?

What you got on my lunch Ben?